Dear diary, 9.35am, I am writing this post after writing shi hui post while she is sleeping in my room.. later 6.50pm I going to book in soon.. I feeling very lost now.. she had changed.. she dun love me like before.. this is not I predict, this is what she told me. She been telling me dun put everything into relationship, do something for ur own, all this sentence behind it with the meaning of she afraid one day she will leave me.. she scare I get hurt.. all this sentence I use to said to her, and now everything coming back to me. Diary do u know how much hurt is inside me? yes I am possessives, I am selfish, but all this is because I love her.. everything have change since I went in to NS, I really regret why were I allow her to go for that job previously.. why is that so? is she really not the one in my life? I really dun dare to face the fact on the day.. I dun wanna break up, I dun want to see my self in that situation again.. I dun wan to see one day u with other guy.. I know is selfish.. but.. I am going crazy inside me.. I need to wait for next fri or sat to see u again.. and I afraid to see u have changed even more dear.. dear pls dun leave me..

Diary diary.. this is my second day coming back from feel camp, I feel so tired and down.. for the past 6 day field camp never been eating good wan, even slp also only 3 to 4 hr of sleep everyday. I miss shi hui so much.. I even look at the star and telling my self I wanna marry her tml. But alot of thing dun come what I wan to.. the day I book out, I didn't see shi hui msg for thur and fri.. even she tell me she go bath, the hour sent to me is not tally, when I wanna check her hp, she wanna master reset because she told me her hp spoil. It been so hard for me to treat is as real and nothing happen, since I enlisted to army, she had totally change alot alot.. more mature.. although is in a good way she think, even I think it is a good thing but she had slowly put our relationship behind her job career.. even we meet up on fri or sat, she always so tire that she slp very early.. I know she is very tire so I didn't woke her up.. but I know our relationship is getting down the slope.. we really have lesser time to meet and talk, even after 6 days of field camp without talking to me on the phone, I dun feel she miss me alot.. I really feel so heart pain.. yesterday she even told me if I can't accept her, conclusion is to be fren, she ask me do I able to accept it.. that I think really hurt me very deeply.. I am really worry the history will happen again.. today when I gave her the balloon, she dun seem appreciate too.. she also going to go over sae for her job, she may go with her boss only too.. I know I must not resist her from her job.. but I also dun wish to see the relationship go down the road.. diary.. I am scare to face it again..

19/05/08, today I suddenly feel very terrible and headache.. this kind of feeling I never have it for very long time already.. eventually I feeling like posting it at my normal blog.. but I dun dare.. coz I scare my fren saw my failure and laugh at me.. Recently I joined AIA as a financial services consultant.. it is a very hardship for me.. and I see alot of thing that I never expected.. the most painful thing is I saw all my best fren leave me.. best fren << is that wat they are? haha.. until today I than know they are not.. they can dun support me but pls dun avoid me.. that is not a best fren role should do.. maybe for those 9 years fren do this do me.. forget it.. I know sometime they are just too scare of big matters.. but darly.. u are my very best fren u know? although we just know each other for 3 years.. do u still rem the day when u tell me u not studying anymore? I told u I wanna help me ask teacher for help, wanna find job for u.. although I dun believe in MLM but I still joined in just to try help u.. but today.. u dun pick my phone.. I am really really very disappointed and sad. In this line although I am really new but I really working hard for it.. I do have alot alot of rejection.. sometime I wonder because of my presentation not good or because I found the wrong ppl.. recently I have a feeling towards my gf that happen 3 yrs ago.. I feeling she start to change.. I dun know why.. the feeling just there.. today I went to her house to return her mother wallet and happen to saw that 2 dog I gave her on the table.. so I ask her why didn't her put inside her bag as she usually do.. she told me recently carry so many thing where got space to place in.. last time no matter how much thing she do put it in.. I feel starting there is gap between us.. there is alot of thing we not telling each other anymore.. I just feel weird.. at this moment I am very weak.. if she happen to attack me now or in my NS time.. I think I will just fall and really hard to get up again like past 3 years.. I pray to god.. god pls.. I am trying hard.. can u just let me some good result in my job??

22th April, Monday. I have received letter to be enlist on July 10, when I receive this letter I feel so afraid.. I am so afraid I will enlist into commando, because I really find that I still have a long way to go and I am scare of water, I dun wan to take the risk in it.. commando get to go more near to water and life of risk, but luckily I got a normal post, I had posted to tekong, hopefully for the 2yr of army I can finish up earlier.. Actually at the moment I am really confused in alot of things, but just dun know how to mention and sort out what I am confuse of, but I think in my mind is that I really lost will I marry her? should I stick to her? for the entire life will I be regret? I am really confuse, as what ppl always said love is selfish, I still got long way to go.. I really dun wan to put eye sight so short distance and for all the time my target of gf is those office gals with nice hair, attractive eye, x factor attitude.. but this kind of ladies always what ppl aim for.. and I am so sensitive.. I always afraid my gf or wife will got fuck around as now a day the world had changed for woman.. and my gf now although is not the type I am going for but she is very nice, adorable, always make me laugh, put in alot alot effort in this relationship.. so what should I do? I really dun know. But at the moment I just hope that this coming thursday exam for HI I will pass and quickly start on my foundation and will be successfully.. I got not much time to spend as I need to be rich before 29.

After transfer from North Point to AMK and from amk changes to amk bsx, I going to transfer to tpy bsx, I dun know is to happy or not to be happy, transfer over there being happy is I can talk to more ppl, wei bin, sofia, su xian, but one thing I think I am not very happy is that idiot laundren is there, from last time I dun really like this guy, he is so ya ya, always though he can do everything, working experience lesser than ppl but always wanna pretend he work very long, bolek eelin until now he is a third in charge there, just now still call me tell me he help me to change my shift from 12 to 5 instead of 12 to 6 on Wednesday, he is just trying to tell me he can amend roaster, knn pui!

Other than this thing, I got a very happy thing to share is I am already a FSC! Finacial Services Consultant (Insurance Agent), from young I always wanna be rich, I always hope that my ambition can be full fill. Although in this line I dun know whether can I become rich anot, but one thing had been proven is that ppl from there can do it without and high qualification, I believe I can do it too! that is the only chance for me to be rich, I must jia you! I left only HI paper I will be able to sell more product and also officially a agent! I must Jia you!!!!
I had passed my basic theory too for car de, I wanna buy car very soon!! yeah!!!

hm.. actually today something happen that make me very miserable too.. is about my relationship.. shi hui.. she today really make me so frustrated and miserable.. I really got the intention this morning to just said break up with her.. I really cannot endure her attitude anymore.. is going to reach a extend.. eventually I dun wanna meet her today for dinner.. but my mind keep flowing through what she had done and give in to me.. so I met her.. I am trying my best to love and dote her more.. I hope she wun ruin it and I hope I can maintain too.. I hope I dun need to make up a cruel choice in my life.. I really feel and think that I still got a very long and bright future waiting for me.. I cannot let it go just because of her..

This will be my very personal blog as I wun not allow anyone in my life to know what I had written here until the day I leave this world. The idea of changing from writing in my personal diary to this little blog here is because I wan it to be safely keep with privacy. In my life there is really too much things that happen and brought me here, so from today onwards, what ever what and how I feel whenever things happen in my life I will just post it here, sometime somethings I just need a diary to talk to because there will be no one I can trust to tell or talk to.